This Is What a Mommy Looks Like
I'm not really sure why we have such a fancy-pants mirror hanging in our foyer. Plus, Ted's got it hung so high, I have to stand on my tippy toes to get any use out of it. Hmmm. Looks like it could use some cleaning...
Well, speaking of mirrors, I've been doing a bit of self-reflecting on my parenting habits lately. As I've mentioned recently, being a mommy has been hard these days. We've been waiting over two years for the Terrible Two's to end for Cadence, and we find ourselves in a corner, having to reevaluate how we relate to her. I don't think we've TOTALLY f*cked up, but I do feel justified in mourning the missed opportunities to do the things that would have established trust and love and connection, rather than exhibiting our need to control as parents. And it's not like I don't know better since I've read so many books in the unconditional, peaceful parenting vein, but then again I DON'T know, at least not in the deep, non-book acquired non-cerebral sense of the word.
When we decided a LONG time ago that we didn't want to raise Cadence to believe that she had to behave a certain way for us to love her, I didn't realize how hard it would be to let go of my own experiences of the way I was parented--not only by my parents, but by society at large. I didn't realize how much I would care what others thought about Cadence and our parenting skills, so much so that I would try (usually unsuccessfully) to exert a semblance of control over my child in public because that's what we as parents are expected to do in our culture: control the fruit of thy womb lest thou suffer the universal disdain and judgment of all polite society.
It's amazing how much damage you are subconsciously willing to do to your child to avoid being labeled as a bad parent. I've cared so much about what other people think that I've neglected who Cadence is and what HER needs are. She is indeed a Wild Thing, but she does NOT respond well to methods such as being sent to her room without any supper (a reference to the the book; not something I've actually ever done). There are children who modify their behavior as a result of punitive measures (at least in the short run), and then there are children like Cadence. I know deep in my heart that punishments will do her absolutely no "good," not even in the short run. People may think that's because I don't punish her long or hard enough. While I entertain the possibility that through brute force I can eventually break her spirit so that I can make a meek, obedient child out of her, please tell me why the f*ck would I want to do that?
So the truth I see in all this is that Cadence is NOT an out-of-control, "spoiled rotten" and manipulative child. She may APPEAR that way to folks who have certain preconceived notions on how a "good" child behaves, but that is not who she is, and I know that. The truth is that I am afraid to let her be her aunthentic self because of my own fears about what others think of us and because of my own ideas of how I want my child to behave. And there's that f*cking word again. BEHAVE. Why the hell are we all so obsessed w/ OUTWARD BEHAVIOR???!!!
(I realize I'm rambling here, so I feel the need to insert a photo to justify the length of this post. It's almost 4 in the morning, I haven't had real sleep since Friday night, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah and why the heck am I apologizing on my own blog?)
Here's the thing. I don't want Cadence to be a puppet. I don't even WANT her to fit the definition of "good" that most people hold when it comes to children--obedient, quiet when told to be quiet, never prone to emotional outbursts, sits quietly at their desks and raises their hands to be called on in school, stands when told to stand, sits when told to sit. I don't want Cadence to ever fit THAT mold of "goodness," especially if it's out of fear that I won't love her unless she complies or out of fear of being punished. I DO want her to feel safe with us, her parents, to be who she is, even when that means exhibitions of strong, explosive feelings from time to time. I DO want her to feel that her opinions matter, even if they defy laws of [adult] logic. I DO want her to expect to be treated with dignity and respect regardless of her age and size.
The REAL truth about Cadence is that she is so much more honest and authentic than I am. She does not hide her emotions, be they frolicksome or furious or forlorn. Nor does she hide her true opinions and wishes. She is creative, a connoisseur of fun, full of boundless energy and can out-dance just about anyone at a wedding reception. She is also caring and affectionate and devoted to her friends. She sees the best in people and is full of optimism.
And the REAL truth about myself is that I'm proud of her and wouldn't want to change any of that.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For those of you who worry that this means I'm going to let Cadence do whatever she wants whenever she wants wherever she wants, please rest assured that this will not be the case. However, I do plan on changing the way I react to Cadence when she doesn't get what she wants (which usually results in high pitched shrieks that would make a dog cringe). If I have the presence of mind to apply what I know and believe by validating her feelings without judgement and by responding with gentleness and love, she usually responds much more positively than when I exhibit disapproval or try to change her. Old habits are hard to break, and unfortunately, I've been programmed from my own upbringing to try to control outward behavior (in myself and in my child) rather than to embrace authenticity.
And in case you're wondering, I'm currently reading Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.
15 Comments
View Printer Friendly Version
Email Article to Friend
Reader Comments (15)
Hi. Interesting about having to tip toe and stretch up to see oneself. Not only do we 'go within' to see who we are, but perhaps also 'go above'. There is so much to us that we can't always just see it from where we are. We need different angles and experiences to reveal our multiple layers. Is a part of the post deliberately missing (after 'think'?)
Hi, Elspeth. Actually, I fell asleep before I finished the post, and then I woke up in the middle of the night to finish it.
Great photos of Cadence! And the post is interesting, especially the part about Cadence's authenticity - her not hiding anything about herself - and better yet, being encouraged to do so and be who she truly is.
We've often bemoaned how we can be so dumb about smart love! But it sure made us feel better when we reread the assurance that when we've established an atmosphere of child-centered, accepting, unconditionally loving parenting, the kid is able to brush off our f@%kups. So when I'm trying to coax Ada into some socially acceptable behavior and she says "But you always love me" or when Cadence shows you that punishments would be of no use, they are showing us that we've already established the self-confidence and self-worth we wanted them to have! We're so impressed by your commitment to good parenting. We're rooting for your family!
>> I DO want her to expect to be treated with dignity and respect regardless of her age and size.
This reminded me of a habit I have and one woman's reaction to it.
I have a habit of refering to folks I don't know (yet) as Sir and Miss. (in fact, even folks I do know at times.) Including kids. Especially kids.
We had neighbors that recently moved and I tell you, I miss hearing their five year old yell out the window as I walked the dog, "Good morning, Miss Rebecca! Good morning Olive!" to which I would respond, "Good morning, Miss Sophia!"
A few years back, WNEP did a series of children's play - A monologue of the Gingerbread Man, David Mamet's "The Frog Prince", and a version of Little Red Riding Hood. Around the same time we were also renting to a children's theater company...so on the weekends, there were lots of kidlings around.
"Here's you're ticket, Miss!"
"Did you enjoy the show, Sir?"
Personally, I don't mind if kids call me by my first name or not, it's just a habit that I've developed. I don't expect anyone of any age to call me "Miss." Anyway, this one time, one of the kids asked me a question and I responded with my usual, "Sir."
His mother turned to me all aghast, "Why would you call him Sir? He's just a child! Only adults should be referred to as sir! That's so disrespectful!"
I was completely befuddled. Still am.
There's always going to be folks out there with contrary opinions.
Best if you follow your own mind and instincts. Your internal spidey-sense will never steer you wrong!
Also - can I get a sweet fake tat like the one Cadence is sporting?
I don't know if I could pull it off as well, but if I could look even half as badass as she, I'm in!
I am so understanding what you are going through, except Robby has just entered the twos. I grew up in the strict Korean style of child raising, so the AP concept was incredibly refreshing and something I could get on board with. I could handle the constant breastfeeding, cosleeping, and babywearing, but the independence and fieriness of Robby's two's leave me totally shaken and incapable some days. I feel like all I do is yell sometimes, and that's not the parent I wanted to be. some of it is resentment, I think, I thought I would be able to reclaim some free time during the day, now that Robby is two, but he still requires so much input from me. i see other toddlers at the mall with their mothers, obediently holding their mother's hands as they cross the street, or riding happily in their strollers, while robby is constantly trying to pull away, and run wild on the sidewalk, and i wonder if i have done something wrong, maybe not set firm enough boundaries, and on and on and on. the "spirited child" book by kurcinka has helped, by helping me identify some of his behaviors, and putting a positive spin on the things that can drive us crazy. i need to read some more stuff. anyway, all that to say, good luck with the gentle parenting, im in the same boat too!
Thanks, Jenn--
I agree with you that Cadence rejects punishments probably because of our already established attachment-based relationship. The whole concept of using punishment to change behavior just doesn't sit right with me, and when we resort to it, it's because we don't know what else to do so we do what we were raised with.
If it weren't for the examples of you and Rudden's family and a few others, we would've thrown in the towel ages ago (probably at age 1).
Sarah
Hi, Rebecca--
Thanks for your encouragement and for sharing your story. I can't believe that woman thought treating a child w/ basic dignity is disrespectful! "Just a child" she called him...that makes me want to cry for that boy.
As for the fake ROGUE tat, I'll see if I have any left. My husband probably got them at some beer festival. If we have one, it's yours!
Hi, Bea--
I totally understand the strict Korean upbringing. I'm glad you've got the Spirited Child book. We have that too. Actually, I probably have the entire Borders section on peaceful/gentle parenting. That's how desperate I've felt as a mom.
I always told myself I would never be a mom who yells, but I've fallen pretty far off that path. Cadence has told me numerous times to stop yelling.
You're not alone in the peaceful parenting journey, and I know you won't regret it in the long run.
thank you for your honest post. so many times I read blogs about kids and there is rarely a post or even a comment about the challenges the parents go through with their child(ren). Most time it's how great they are, what wonderful cute things they'd done, sweet pictures, and how everyone else thinks they are so well behaved. I'm sure I sound that way to many of my friends too. But I sometimes want to talk about those challenging times like when it's time to change into pajamas and I am sitting on the floor trying to coax my child into her pjs and she is rolling around in bed naked so purposefully ignoring me. Thank you for reminding me that other people go through challenging times with their kids too, and that other parents have yelled, lost their temper, given up and are frustrated at times, and are less than perfect. It makes me feel more normal.
Hi
Your post reminds me of the time when my now 29 year old daughter had a HUGE tantrum in the foyer of church as it was letting out. There were hundreds of people leaving the church and she was kicking and screaming. I just laid her down on the floor and stepped back. The people streamed around her, some of them clucking disapproval and some of them amused. I was mortified but knew I had to not submit to her just because of what the congregation would think of me. For the most part they supported me but I thought at the time I would never be able to go back to that church.After what seemed like a looooong time she decided it wasn't getting her anywhere and she got up and took my hand and we walked out. Whew! Each person has to handle their child in their own way. I'm a grandma now and have the luxury of the perspective of time. Your child knows that you love her and you should try not to worry so much. Each incident in their life becomes a part of them but they truly don't remember the details of what went on. Just keep working on the relationship, pick your battles carefully (is pink hair all that bad???) Say yes as often as you possibly can and you will be fine. "In matters of fashion go with the flow. In matters of principle, stand like a rock.' And good luck!
This post really spoke to me. I have a five year old daughter who is on a emotional roller coaster 24 / 7. At first I tried the tough love tack ticks. I took away all of her fun activities to show her what she was doing was wrong and that it had sever consequences. However, this only ended up with a even more emotional and bordering depressed little girl. I remember I would cry whenI thought I was being to hard on her only to be reassured by other that this was best for her. I came to the frightening realization that many of the punishments and rules I placed on my daughter were to impress or please other adults. It's hard for me to admit but it was the truth. I am trying a different approach now that I feel works a little better but is not very popular by others. I am ignoring the bad and rewarding the good. When she has a bad day at school I discuss it with her and let her know the proper way to handle the situation but I am no longer punishing the way I once did. When she has a good day or week at school I am rewarding her with going to the park, a Barbie, a movie, ect...
Anyway, sometimes I feel one of the hardest things about parenting is to tell others to but out. In the end she is MY daughter and the way I raise her is all up to me and her dad. It's easier said than done however.
another excellent book you should check out........Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn....RADICAL!!!
Hi, Amy--
That book (and the DVD) pretty much shaped our parenting vision. For the busy parent, I do recommend the DVD: http://www.alfiekohn.org/updvd.htm
Hi-- just wanted to say cheer up. As parents, we all doubt our parenting skills at least once. I know I've stayed up many a nights thinking whether I am a good mother at all. I am proud of you for sticking out for your daughter and who she is. I was one of those parents who was also afraid of how their kids will appear in public. Because our daughter is an only child, I was afraid she's be called "spoiled" and "selfish." I've never had to give her time outs or sending her to bed without supper, but I always let her know who was in charge and that she was not to misbehave-- that had to do with my personality too because I want to be the one in control and in charge most of the time. Then one day I realized my kid was becoming way too polite. I then had a wake-up call. Like you, I also did not want her to be this subservient child, yet I was disciplining her to the point that she was turning "meek" and just "polite" just so it was easier for me to parent her. So nowadays, I try to let her just BE. As long as she's not hurting others and invading others personal space to the point of absolute annoyance, I let her be happy. But I know in my heart I will never be one of those "softy" moms. I just have way too strong of personality and lack of patience to master that. So in the end, I will let me be just be ME as a parent -- tough, way too self-conscientious, yet sensitive. But I want my daughter to be herself as well and I think this is why we are a good team. I love her very much and she usually understands when I explain why she must not do certain things and why I get mad (like when she runs away from me in the parking lot-- I won't tolerate that and I let her know it too).
This has got to be one of the longest comment I've ever written on anyone's blog. You wrote a really good post. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts without any inhibitions-- you revealed so eloquently too. I knew you took great pictures, but tonight I discovered that you also write really freakin' well.